Does Your Peacock Have Sole?

A "Peacock Experiment" from our guest blogger, Neil Patrick...

Guys, are you still not buying "The Peacock Theory"?  Try this one on for size.  Here is a little peacock experiment for you.  I must admit, I was a little apprehensive about delving into experimentation on only the third entry about the Peacock Theory, but I'm sure there are at least a few "Peacock" prodigies out there that can handle this.  Nevertheless, pay close attention!  Follow along.  Allow me to be the ambassador of your Peacock!

This experiment requires you to first clad yourself in business attire.  Work clothes, if you will.  (Hmmm...still to vague?  Unemployment is high...ugh, ugh).  Throw on a nice pair of slacks and a "PEACOCKLESS" button down (or up...same difference).  If you don't own these items by this weekend, then borrow them from your Dad (borrow his iron too, Geez!).  Go with a white shire as to display absolutely ZERO peacock.  Add a solid colored tie (remember, ZERO peacock) for extra effect. Oh, shouldn't have to say this but, WEAR A DAMN BELT!  I mean, the pants have loops for a reason...

The key here is to present the allusion that you just got off work and happy hour with "The Guys" turned into a night out.  It is not imperative, but will be very advantageous if all of your "Guys" participate.  Group participation will emanate the "Bachelorette Party Effect".  You know, a bunch of girls, acting crazy, drinking from penis straws.  Yup, that effect.  (Side note:  women is peacocks too...go ahead and dust 'ya shoulders off).

Last item.  Forget the boring loafers, boat shoes, "Aldo-wear" and reference the image above.  Every guy should go to the gym, so running shoes are a must anyway.  Practically always justifies the purchase.  Here's the deal. Go to the Nike ID tab at Nike.com, use all bright colors and vomit them about your new shoes.  Stay away from pinks and purples.  You will get negative peacock points if women perceive you as "A WHITE TIGER SHORT OF AN ACT IN VEGAS."  Sorry Siegfried.  Sorry Roy.

Fellaz, women notice footwear!  During this experiment, even women who are unavailable, uninterested and think they are unattainable will take notice as well.  At some point a woman should ask you, "Hey, what's up with the tennis shoes?"  The dialogue should go as followed:

GUY:  "Funny Story....(nothing that I tell you to say is remotely humorous, but when you say FUNNY together with STORY to a woman who has fallen into your peacock trap at a bar, everything in that extra X chromosome of her's conditions her to hear you out.). {ASIDE:  with fears of avoiding conversation with the non-peacock'd man who just bought her and her friends a drink, chances are she will be primed and ready for "Storytime"}

GUY:  "Funny Story, the fellaz called me when I was driving home from work and said we were going out to "CHASE SOME TAIL TONIGHT"

GIRL:  (brief pause) (don't let her speak!  Her input can only derail the "Peacock Train"...So, keep chuggin')

GUY:  "So I figured if I am going to CHASE TAIL, then I might as well wear comfortable shoes" (look down at your shoes and get a quick glimpse of her shoes.  If she is wearing heels then you are money) (smile and turn)

GUY:  (turn back around quickly and say) "Sorry....what's your name again?" (shake handgs and then turn and walk away)

Let that simmer.  Let the peacock slow cook on this one.  Why?  (Ooooooh me me, over here! I know this one).  Your peacock became a conversation piece and your small script referring to your peacock allows her to digest a much different message than the one you may think you delivered.  Translated into "Girl Language" you have told her:

You have a job.

You have a car.

You have cool guy friends and more importantly, "Guys nights".

You are ardently practical.  (Practicality does not tend to be the strong suit or realm amongst most women, however, the type of women you want to attract will most likely have been raised in a household with a father that is lovingly resented for his practicality.  And any comparable likenesses to "Daddy" is another good point for the good guys).

You workout (or at least have cool shoes that you are planning to work out in).

AND, you are off CHASING TAIL, without even considering chasing her tail.  (the more "butt-hurt she is about this, the better)

WAIT, do you remember her name?  Even if she looks like a swamp-donkey, Gila monster, remember her name!  It's good practice and chances are she may have hot friends. If you remember her name, re-approach.  She will most likely ask how, "The Chase", is going.

This is when you look down at her shoes and tell her, "I figured since you were wearing those fancy shoes, you were going to need a head start."

...CUE THE BAND AND LET THE "PANTS OFF DANCE OFF" COMMENCE.  THIS TOO, MY FRIEND, IS FREE!